Something clicked finally last night.
And finally, beginning at that point in time and not one moment earlier, I feel like I'm psychologically ready to do this last semester of school.
Things are right in the world again. The balance is back.
I can love openly, without feeling threatened or scornful. I guess I got scared that love may be a scarce commodity. I felt like I was groping in thin air, until I wasn't even sure what love was anymore.
I'm feeling more at peace with having two lives: one at school and one with my family. I can love both. Even though they are very different, they don't have to be in conflict. They are simply two dimensions of myself.
I am feeling more accepting of others, maybe because I'm finding new ways to understand them. I feel like I have a chance at handling future situations with a little more maturity.
I feel more at peace with the idea of taking classes. I remembered why it is I like to learn things and why I love the feeling of being productive. I'm really excited about this creative writing class I'm going to be taking, in particular. I've already started ordering my books and collecting notebooks and post-it notes and thinking about how I'm going to try to do my homework ahead of time--now that's the Beth we know.
But I don't think it's just a return to a previous state of being, though it does feel more familiar. It's one that's been wisened by experience.
Any chance that this healed and restored state will last?
I don't know. Things always seem to fall apart by the end of the semester. Maybe it's natural. I know there will always be more to grow. Muscles don't get stronger until you break them down so they can rebuild. Maybe hearts and minds don't either unless you shake them up.
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me and my thoughts about life
1 comment:
wow...i both applaud you and envy you for finding a balance? How, if i may ask, did you find that? i feel that the more i look, the more unbalanced things become. i wish i could say the same as you about going into the semester...i feel psychologically/physically/emotionally much better about the whole thing, yet i wonder the same thing (though with different circumstances). what will prevent me from going back to all of the dreadful habits and isolation of last-semester? experience, i guess...but i fluctuate so much. i grew a lot last semester, but i'm crossing my fingers that the growing isn't going to be so exponential. i'd like some normalcy. anyways, i wish you the best of luck this semester. it sounds like you are taking good classes (and a light courseload). i'm jealous that you are going to learn oodles in your creative writing class...you must impart your superior knowledge on the 'iddle freshies that go to unc....
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