the secret of life

I just had an earth-shattering realization that I need to share. It's a new way of explaining things, something that I have always felt on a certain level but have never been able to voice this clearly. Maybe you already know it, so it's not that big a deal to you. And maybe this is just specific to my own psychology. But maybe you'll get something out of this. Bear with me, because it doesn't sound earth-shattering when you first hear it. The real secrets in life never do, because they've been shouted at you over and over again using exactly the right words; you just never quite understand them until you're ready.

It started with me realizing how bored I've been all day and wondering why that is. There are a lot of obvious answers. I didn't go anywhere today or do anything of note. I'm inbetween semesters, so I don't have homework to worry about, but I also don't have friends to hang out with. Really, I don't have much of a purpose right now.

Ah ha, there it is. That's the key: that word purpose. I felt like I was onto something. In order not to be bored, I needed to find a purpose. But what exactly is the definition of "purpose" that I'm looking for? Reading that psychology book I'm working on is cool but doesn't really feel like "purpose." Practicing harp doesn't even feel like "purpose," nor does chatting with my family. In order for it to be the kind of purpose that makes me feel like my life has direction, it has to mean "responsibility to other people." Nothing metaphysical or any more profound than just responsibility to other people.
That's the secret to life. I had previously decided that the two main objectives in life were 1. love and 2. the knowledge and mastery of the beauty in the world. (The second one because I needed something to explain why it is that we are so curious about science and music and knowing how things work.) But now I know undeniably that that list is not complete until purpose is in there too.

It explains so many things. It explains why rehearsing and performing for opera is more satisfying than practicing alone. It explains why the idea of recording for movie soundtracks sounds worlds more exciting to me than recording audition tapes. It explains why I had so much fun helping to put on the homeschooling conference when I was in highschool and why my mom is so heavily involved in it. It explains why people like volunteering. It explains why I love playing team sports more than jogging alone. It explains why I have been so open to being emotionally supportive of people, even though it hurts sometimes.

Not only does purpose mean responsibility to other people, but the more people you have a responsibility to, the more ridiculously exciting it is. I have always had a passion for learning about what goes on behind the scenes in making a movie. I love watching special features on DVDs, especially Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean. I am completely enchanted by the idea of being involved in such an epic process. It's because there are so very many people working toward one goal, which then almost everyone in the country rushes out to see. That is an unfathomable amount of people to be responsible to. You almost have to be a super-hero.

You can't have a good story unless the characters have some degree of purpose. The ambitious ones are written about people who are depended on by whole nations. I just started reading Christopher Paolini's Eldest, which is exactly that. Stories can act as a temporary substitute for purpose, inasmuch as you can live vicariously through the characters. And refering back to my previous entry, imagining yourself as a different person in a different world can provide fulfillment when you are a child with no responsibility toward anyone yet but who nonetheless seeks purpose like any adult. Childhood fantasies usually involve children who have some unrealistic level of responsibility: Harry Potter, Ender's Game, Mathilda, Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe.

So, it is purpose that we're eventually looking for as we enter the real world as fully matured adults. That's what jobs are, assignments of purpose. Suddenly this makes me feel better about being bored right now, having a better idea of what I'm aiming for in the future. I don't care about harp in particular, I just want purpose. Harp is a means of getting purpose. It is a valuable skill which people can make use of to entertain guests at a wedding reception, fill out an orchestra, color a movie soundtrack, or attract an audience to a hall. But I'd be equally happy finding purpose in, say, becoming a writer, like what I'm doing right here, or teaching, or raising a family.

I'd say that there are three basic modes of functioning: 1. taking care of yourself, 2. developing your abilities, and 3. fulfilling a purpose. The later is impossible if you don't do the first two, so they are a necessity, but are not in-and-of-themselves purpose. In order to be able to be a responsible member of an ensemble, I need to develop my harp skills, which consists of spending many hours alone in a practice room. If I know that my practicing is directly feeding the fulfillment of a purpose, then I am motivated to do it. As another example, in order to be emotionally supportive of people, I need to be emotionally strong myself and have a clear idea of what my morals and philosophy is.
The endings of semesters are overly stressful because they bring an overabundance of #3 and not enough time for #1 and #2 anymore. But breaks are boring because #3 drops out and there's too much of #1 and #2. It's unbalanced.
Life is like that on the whole. From the time you're born until you are done going to school, you're expected to be working really hard on #2, learning things and gaining skills, so that when you're all grown up you can devote yourself to #3. But it just doesn't work to do #2 on its own. I'm sure everyone is familiar with the feeling that practicing or reading non-fiction in its own is just not as satisfying as getting out there and making use of it. In an attempt to solve this problem for our youth, we have this whole contrived system of grades. Thus, as students, we find that we have a "responsibility" to our teachers and parents to turn in homework by the deadline and obtain A's. But we all know it's fake. That's why so many people rebel. The secret to real internal motivation is purpose. College is cool because you do start having some real responsibilities, but it's still unbalanced. Obtaining complete balance is my goal.

That's my revelation for the night. That's the secret of life.