Oh, ouch. This is the painful part of the summer. This is the part where I realize that I'm perfectly happy right here where I am, and that leaving is going to take me away from everyone and everything that I know. Yeah, I knew that before, and I knew it would be hard, but I didn't really know. I hadn't been feeling then what I'm stuck feeling now.
So here's the problem.
My life in Illinois now is completely settled at this point. I'm living with my family, whom I love, and I'm surrounded by even more extended family, which is a wonderful environment to be in. We have a beautiful new house. Mom is making new family friends by the minute. Lots of my friends live near Chicago too, so there's usually an opportunity to see them somehow, which often can include bumming around in the city. I have a fun job working in my Grandpa's office as an office assistant for his medical practice. And life is slow-paced and relaxed.
When I go to France, I will be leading a completely different life. I will be immersed in a foreign culture, struggling to finish learning the language just so I can communicate with people. I will be studying with a brilliant, amazing, world-famous harpist whom I love as a teacher, and thus will be practicing and working as hard as I can for her. I will be living on my own, taking care of a studio apartment in the middle of a big city, constantly taking care of business and errands. And I will make a totally new set of friends.
And somehow, I have to continue to live and to love both these lives. But inevitably, I'm going to adjust to living in France and always be busy with whatever harp thing I'm doing, and breaks to come home will add up to only a few weeks a year. Inevitably, just for my own emotional sanity, I'm going to grow away from my life in Illinois. And every time I switch back and forth, it's going to be painful, just like it is now.
But here's why the benefits outweigh the losses: When in France, I'm actually going to be forging a life for myself, instead of complacently waiting around here. I'm going to learn so much that I can't even fathom it. I'm going to become fluent in French, fiercely independent and capable, amazing at harp, and cultured and worldly to boot. And when I put it like that, two lives sounds like a privilege. I recognize how lucky I am, and I am so thankful for that that I don't even know what to do with myself, but that doesn't completely dispell my instinctive, human fear of separation and of the unknown.
Time continues ticking on. I am now working on signing a contract for the apartment in the 5th arrondissement, rue Buffon.
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